Sound of My Heart 我心的歌

(image via "Goodreads")

"Imagine spending your life as a beast of burden , or if you're lucky, a pamer pet, never really  being  allowed to be an actual person.  Imagine never being able to make the decision or pick the direction and having to always be grateful  to the person who does get to make the choices." -- Anonymous 

Read the above sentence online that someone commented on the Henrik Ibsen Play "A Doll's House". It was like someone just punched so strongly in my my chest that  I became teary-eyed as this is almost exactly the way I was raised  - though materialistic sufficient,  there was no chance or room for development of self-autonomy and individuality - not allowed to being myself or even express my voice or opinions.  I did what my mother, and my sisters want me to do, I headed the direction they asked to go (my father though kind, has always been an absent figure in my life emotionally and psychologically). I did not know how to quesion the nature of decisions and choices they made for me, neither did I ever learn along the way how to question the "legtimacy" of such family dynamic when growing up. I came to this realization in my eary 50s when lookin back on things, but it was too late. As such, I have come to learn to seek encouragement, support, love, and respect even affirmation from myself to ascertain that I have always been a very worthy person.

Do I hate my parents and sisters for this? Not really. Because they did not know better. I'd like to believe they did what they could in my best interest. However, they did not know it only impeded my personal development and growth. Most of all, not allowing me to be my own person and not receiving love, affection, and support when growing up mostly left me with irrepairable scars .

Do I hold a grudge against them? Well, who wouldn't becasue there are so many "what if". And they still havne't changed a bit and wouldn't learn to listen or respect that "I am an individual and I am my own person".

Dont' get me wrong, I have always loved and still love my family of origin.  However, given this learned self-realization and introspection, I believe I have gotten ride of some old shell inside me as time passes. And most importantly, I have to love myself first and foremost and I have alwyas been very worthy person. 

偶然從網路看到這一段某位觀眾對丹麥劇作家Hernik Ibsen所寫的劇作"A Doll's House"的英文觀后感並把這段文字擷取. 於我心有戚戚焉且抄錄了下來. 每每看到這段文字都會不禁潸然淚下. 感恩源生家庭的養育與物質的不虞匱乏(伴隨無處不在的負能量), 但邁入中年后才懵然醒悟明瞭這些無法取代健全的源生家庭應具備的無形無價的愛, 尊重, 鼓勵, 支持, 理解, 同理心等正能量特質. 先天殘缺失衡的家庭動力(family dynamics)與後天外來因素造成的家庭關係深度影響家庭成員的日后學校學習, 人格發展, 人生經歷,人際關係及人格特質. 

有些人是註定要走半生的冤枉路且自行搬開人生路上顛簸的石頭才能深刻體會源生家庭在個人成長歷程中所造成的傷痛與印跡. 這如大夢初醒似的心靈的震撼與波動到目前為止我尚無法用中文完整形容. 歎息領悟得太晚, 年過半百才走上愛自己走己聆聽自己內在聲音的道路, 不斷的提醒自己不管外人家人如何評價看待"我自始終都是一個有價值的人 I have always been a very worthy person".

孤陋寡聞的我也是這幾年才接觸到Ibsen的文學創作, Ibsen顯然也是怪咖一個, 與當時丹麥的社會氛圍及世俗價值格格不入且適應不良. 幸運的是他有能力有勇氣把自身經歷和所見所聞寫出批判兼影射當時社會民情和世俗價值的精緻劇作而流傳共鳴至今. 而我在進入知天命的年紀在自我救贖的路上有幸接觸Ibsen的劇作與文學，繼續學習愛自己, 肯定自己.